HELL EXPLAINED
Sally Lopez July 17, 2020

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. …leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

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“They Walk Among Us!
I was at the checkout at Walmart, minding my own business, when the cashier rang up my total: $46.64. I handed her a crisp $50 bill. She looked me dead in the eye, gave me back $46.64, and went back to scanning items like a professional.
Me: “Uh… I think there’s a mistake.” Her: huffs dramatically “Sir, I am educated. I know what I’m doing.”
She pushed the money back at me like I was trying to scam her. So, I did what any reasonable person would do—I gave it back.
She, once again, shoved it back at me with extra attitude.
I shrugged, picked up my bags, and walked out with $46.64 in my pocket. 🤷‍♂️
They walk among us…
I walked into Starbucks with a “Buy-One-Get-One-Free” coupon for a Grande Latte. The barista stared at it like it was the Declaration of Independence, then turned to the chalkboard that read “Buy One, Get One Free.”
Her eyes lit up. “Oh! So that means… they’re both free!”
She happily handed me two free lattes. I didn’t argue. I just walked out, sipping my victory. ☕☕
They walk among us…
One day, I was strolling along the beach with some friends when one of them gasped dramatically, pointed ahead, and yelled:
“Look! A dead bird!”
Another friend immediately looked up at the sky and asked, “Where?”
I just… I had no words. 🫠
They walk among us…
My brother was house hunting and asked the real estate agent which direction was north. He explained that he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.
The agent furrowed her brow. “Wait… does the sun rise in the north?”
My brother, thinking she was joking, laughed.
She was not joking.
He gently explained that the sun rises in the east… and, you know, has been doing that for quite a while now.
She shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff.”
I… had to walk away.
They walk among us…
Back when I worked in a 24/7 call center, a guy called and asked:
“What hours are you open?”
Me: “Sir, we’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”
Him: “Okay, but is that Eastern or Pacific time?”
I stared at my screen for a solid 10 seconds before replying:
“Uh… Pacific.”
He thanked me and hung up, probably feeling proud of himself.
They walk among us…
My sister has one of those emergency seatbelt cutters in her car—designed to save her life if she ever gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
🤦‍♂️
They walk among us…
My friends and I went to buy beer for a party. The store had a 10% discount on cases. Since we were professionals, we grabbed two cases.
The cashier did some quick mental math.
“Oh, two cases? That’s 10% + 10%… so you get 20% off!”
We all nodded and quietly accepted our new financial advisor.
They walk among us…
At the airport, I couldn’t find my luggage, so I went to the lost baggage counter.
Me: “My bags never showed up.”
The lady smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry, sir! I’m a trained professional. Now… has your plane landed yet?”
I blinked.
Me: “Nope, we’re still circling the airport. The pilot told us we’re third in line to land.”
Her: “Oh! Okay, well, come back after you land.”
…Sure thing, genius.
They walk among us…
While working at a pizza place, I watched a man order a small pizza to-go.
Cook: “Would you like that cut into four or six slices?”
The man thought long and hard before replying:
“Better make it four. I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat six.”
Bless their hearts. 🤣😂🤣
They walk among us…”

Candice is a fourteen year old girl living with her mother and a drunken father. Unbeknownst to her and her mother he is living a secret life. While dust mopping under her parents bed she finds a suitcase hidden. As she’s pulling it out, her father comes home and she quickly shoves it back where she found it and darts to her bedroom.

Candice has no idea how her discovery will impact her young life and fill it with guilt, shame, and fear. Follow the mystery of A Hidden Secret in Sue’s latest novel.