My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire when I turned to her and asked,
“Want to have a little fun tonight?”
“No,” she said flatly.
“Is that your final answer?” I asked.
She sighed. “Yes.”
“So,” I said, “I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started.

The Steak Order

I took my wife out to dinner, and when the waiter asked what I wanted, I said,
“I’ll have the rump steak. Rare.”
The waiter raised an eyebrow. “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
I grinned. “Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started.

High School Reunion

At my wife’s high school reunion, she kept staring at a man drinking alone.
“Do you know him?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “He started drinking the day we broke up, and he never stopped.”
I nodded. “Wow… who knew someone could celebrate for that long?”
And that’s when the fight started.

The Lawnmower

Our lawnmower broke, and my wife kept hinting that I should fix it. I pretended not to notice.
One day, I came home to find her in knee-high grass, cutting it with scissors.
I handed her a toothbrush and said, “When you’re done, you can sweep the driveway.”
The doctor says I’ll walk again someday…
But I’ll always have a limp.

Dust on the TV

My wife sat beside me as I switched channels.
“What’s on TV?” she asked.
I said, “Dust.”
And that’s when the fight started.

Fishing Trip

I woke early to go fishing but saw a storm raging outside. So I crawled back into bed and whispered,
“The weather’s awful out there.”
Still half-asleep, she murmured, “Can you believe my husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started.

Anniversary Surprise

For our anniversary, my wife said she wanted something shiny that could go from 0 to 150 in three seconds.
So I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s when the fight started.

Social Security

I forgot my wallet at the Social Security office.
The clerk said, “Prove you’re over 65.”
So I opened my shirt and showed her my gray chest hair.
“That’ll do,” she said.
When I told my wife, she replied, “You should’ve dropped your pants—maybe they’d give you disability too!”
And that’s when the fight started.

Compliment, Please

My wife stood in front of the mirror and said,
“I look old, fat, and tired. Say something nice.”
I said, “Your eyesight is perfect.”
And that’s when the fight started.

The Dwarf

This morning, I rear-ended a car. The driver was a dwarf.
He stormed over and yelled, “I am NOT Happy!”
I said, “Oh… so which one are you?”
And that’s when the fight started.

Mother-in-Law’s Gift

For Christmas one year, I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot.
The next year, I didn’t get her anything.
She asked why.
I said, “Well… you still haven’t used last year’s gift.”
And that’s when the fight started.