This is my flower bed (or will be once I actually plant some flowers).

This is my backyard deck (yes, hello, I know it needs refinishing).

And this is my lawn (I mowed it yesterday, I swear).

Quick Quiz: What do all three of these have in common? If you answered, “They contain organic, carbon-based substances grown on Earth,” you’re wrong—the deck is coated in non-organic polyurethane (well, OK, it used to be). Also, those spiky little balls (did you notice them?) are not from Earth. They are the cell-pods of an attractive and otherwise harmless-looking alien vegetation called a Sweet Gum tree. Its perfidious pods are commonly referred to as “gum balls” or “spiky balls.” But their correct name is COVID 18.

Note the resemblance to their sister organism, commonly called “*%$#@!-ing virus!”

How to determine if you’ve been infected by COVID 18:

• You can no longer actually see…